Saturday, March 19, 2011
My Mama on her wedding day. I was with her that day, she was 4 months pregnant. <3
Sometimes I feel haunted, but not in the way I wish I was. I am haunted by the fact that my Mama is gone, forever, and I will never see her again. Hear her laugh again. Hold her again. That I was not at her side when she passed--as she wished. She was so scared to die, and I was her best friend and the person she trusted most--she made me promise to stay by her side. And I didn't get there in time. I hate myself for that, altho I know she would never hold it against me, she knew I couldn't get there and she loves me anyway--it is my own guilt I am haunted by as well.
I miss her so very much, that if I think of it, or write about it as I am doing now, it damn near consumes me. I feel it taking over. The tears start, and the hole in my heart grows bigger and bigger. The only way I can go on without her, without this hole enveloping me all together, is to not think of her. And that makes me so sad. I want to be able to think of her and have happy memories, talk to my children about her, think of her and talk to her when I need a friend to lean on. I want to feel her presence and remember her in that way, but it eludes me. Instead I have to focus on not thinking of her, not remembering her, or I would spend each day in a haze of depression, and that wouldn't be good for anyone.
I told my therapist I thought this probably wasn't a good way to grieve, that I was in denial of sorts, and that should I force myself to think of it, go thru the pain each and every day and see if it got better? She said no. She said she thought I was dealing with it well, that this was how I was going on with my life, and when I was ready, I would be able to do it in a different (better?) way.
Who knows. But I am sad thinking of her, so I am going to stop.