Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Bad Blogger, Bad!

I have never been good at keeping up with a blog. Even though I enjoy getting my thoughts out onto the page, I enjoy typing the words out of my soul and getting them somewhere other than my crowded brain...it just seems to elude me--the regularity of it, that is. I am going to try it again, though. Wish me luck.

My children, my life, my sweet little girls, the loves of my life....are leaving for 8 days tomorrow afternoon. They are going to spend these 8 days with their father, with whom they visit with about twice a year. Perhaps a few more short trips but this is the second "week long" trip. The last was Christmas--they about killed me. CHRISTMAS! That is my time! I deserved that! I take care of them all day and night, all week, all month, every boo boo and tear, every homework assignment and arguement, every cuddle and every sickness. I GET TO BE SANTA, he doesn't! Pshaw! (ok, rant over! LOL)
Anyway, The Father that has paid child support for all of about one year (owing approximately 20k in arrears), calls almost every Tuesday to speak with them for about 2 minutes. Totally uninvolved. He loves them very much, this I do know, but he isn't invested in them. In the minutiae that is raising a child. He is the epitome of "Disneyland dad" and it sucks. They have a father here, in the flesh, who has been raising them for the past 5 years. Who they love, who they call Daddy, who they are very much aware of as they one who "takes care of them". He is the one whose pay check goes to buy them clothes and food and eveything else they need. Whose helps puts them to bed each night and loves them when they need him. This is the man who taught them to ride a bike, who plays games with them, who takes care of them on so many levels--as a father should. They do not remember a time without him. Sometimes, and I know this is an evil thought, I wish HE (the "real" Dad) would just go away. Disappear. What a funny term, eh? REAL DAD? Stevan IS THEIR REAL DAD! Not their biological Dad, no the sperm donor, but HE IS REAL. He is HERE. He is INVOLVED AND INVESTED.

I just wish the other could go away. So they could have just one Dad, and not be so confused and upset when they get home from their DisneyLandVacation with their "real" Dad. It is so complicated and it hurts them. It twists them up inside. It upsets them when they love Stevan more, or call him Daddy, or forget to call "real dad" on Father's Day and go out of their way to make it special for Stevan. They are too little to have to deal with this crap!!! I wish it could be simple.

Bottom line...He needs to either step up and be more involved with them, emotionally and financially, or let them have the Dad that does do that and step to the side. I know that would suck, and I feel for him, but the decision needs to be made.

I miss them already. An ache inside me. It is rather ironic, actually...since I often long for "me" time. Time without being jumped on, disciplining kids, feeding kids, clothing kids, cleaning up after kids, etc, etc, etc....(they stuff he never has to do) but now that they are going to be gone I wonder what I will do with myself without them. I need them. I need their little souls near me, the love I have for them and they for me--it is such a connection that I feel the severing of it even when they are 300 miles away for 8 days. I want the time to spend with my husband and just hang out, but I will spend every second of it missing them like crazy and worrying that they are being taken care of they way I would take care of them, loved the way they need to be.

And, to be totally honest here, I worry that they won't miss me, that they will have so much fun doing all the fun stuff, having what he calls "no rules time" staying up late, eating junk food, and doing all the fun things I cannot afford because all our money goes to rent and food and the like....well, that they will want to be with him more than with me. They are too young to understand the intricacies of it all. Ahhh, Jealousy, the green monster. An ugly thing. I recognize it, I try to deal with it. I will survive it and I will try to feel less of it. I will try. I really will. I will miss them. But hopefully I will allow myself to have a little me time and let what will be, be.

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